We made a list: the things we want to allow into our lives and the things we want to let go of. Both lists were brief but shared no shortage of challenging things to accomplish. In particular, the list of things to let go of, including bad behaviors that are detrimental to our spiritual and emotional well-being, was striking: Ego. Noisy, unspoken resentments. Cattiness. Externalities that make noise. Relationships that are no longer fulfilling. Various other bad habits.
Last night I was at home when my guest appeared unannounced; just before 8pm. I've decided I should refer to her as The Guest: a roommate is a person who pays and shares in responsibilities at a home; a guest, however, enjoys the benefits of a residence without the burden of chores. My guest just happens to be here a little longer than most. And, I have no idea when The Guest will come, go or stay the night.
She appeared with food and wine and gossip. In truth, I was already preparing my own dinner; I had a host of things to work on that night; and I wanted to go to bed early. But her energy somehow overpowered me and I ended up on her schedule, devoting the rest of my evening to her series of things (including her schedule for eating dinner).
I regret that I just wrote that "her energy somehow overpowered me." This is precisely one of the things I've committed to working on: setting boundaries so that I don't blame the people around me for events not happening the way I would have chosen or was planning for them too. I should have said, very simply, that "No, I already have dinner plans," or had dinner with her but retired to my room after that. Instead I was up with her until 1am in the "woman room" drinking wine.
I really do want to stop damaging my body, and I really do believe that staying up late and drinking wine inhibits my best legal behavior (and by that, I mean my ability to function highly as an attorney) at my internship everyday. My preference is to maintain a balanced and healthy lifestyle: work out; go to bed early and with a book; drink carrot juice in the morning; meditate; spend my free time doing the responsible things that make it onto my weekly to-do lists. Those types of things. When The Guest comes home, I acquiesce to her (if she wants attention, which she doesn't always). This is a behavior I can change.
One of the other things that my Dear Friend From College and I agreed we wanted to let into our lives is self-compassion and forgiveness. Both of us are Virgo Rising - which is one of the most self-critical placements one can find in an astrology chart. We basically are never happy with ourselves and have to remind ourselves that not being perfect (established by very austere standards) is perfectly ok. So I will forgive myself for last night's transgression and treat it as a reminder that I am in a transitory period of my life, in which I am learning to take control and set boundaries and not lay blame for those events that don't unfold as I desire. "I am, after all, a feminist. I should act like it." (<---That quote is actually courtesy of The Republican.)
It's a slippery slope, this period of transition. I'm going to own my best qualities and cultivate them; and weed out my weakest. I think that's a fair assessment of (part of) what I am trying to do right now.
I suppose that I shouldn't only criticize myself for last night. I did do one thing that has been on my agenda for a loooooooong time. Ages ago (last year?) I decided I needed to stop sharing only specific truths about myself with targeted audiences. Specifically - I needed to stop being straight to my straight friends and bisexual to my gay friends. I came out to The Guest last night while we were gossiping and drinking wine in the Woman Room. It was a tremendous relief to know that I no longer need to balance between two worlds with her: I can have dinner parties with ALL my friends!!
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