Disappointment

Sunday through Tuesday were amazing. I spent Sunday at the Farmers market and a meditative hot yoga class; Monday I had a wonderful day at work and an early night in bed. Monday evening I spent a refreshing few hours with A Dear Friend From College exploring the areas of internal and external growth we both sought in our lives. I felt in charge of my life again after that: one of the things I told her was that I want to stop "allowing external events and forces to dictate how I behave; and instead use my own behavior to change the events around me."

We made a list: the things we want to allow into our lives and the things we want to let go of. Both lists were brief but shared no shortage of challenging things to accomplish. In particular, the list of things to let go of, including bad behaviors that are detrimental to our spiritual and emotional well-being, was striking: Ego. Noisy, unspoken resentments. Cattiness. Externalities that make noise. Relationships that are no longer fulfilling. Various other bad habits.

Last night I was at home when my guest appeared unannounced; just before 8pm. I've decided I should refer to her as The Guest: a roommate is a person who pays and shares in responsibilities at a home; a guest, however, enjoys the benefits of a residence without the burden of chores. My guest just happens to be here a little longer than most. And, I have no idea when The Guest will come, go or stay the night.

She appeared with food and wine and gossip. In truth, I was already preparing my own dinner; I had a host of things to work on that night; and I wanted to go to bed early. But her energy somehow overpowered me and I ended up on her schedule, devoting the rest of my evening to her series of things (including her schedule for eating dinner).

I regret that I just wrote that "her energy somehow overpowered me." This is precisely one of the things I've committed to working on: setting boundaries so that I don't blame the people around me for events not happening the way I would have chosen or was planning for them too. I should have said, very simply, that "No, I already have dinner plans," or had dinner with her but retired to my room after that. Instead I was up with her until 1am in the "woman room" drinking wine.

I really do want to stop damaging my body, and I really do believe that staying up late and drinking wine inhibits my best legal behavior (and by that, I mean my ability to function highly as an attorney) at my internship everyday. My preference is to maintain a balanced and healthy lifestyle: work out; go to bed early and with a book; drink carrot juice in the morning; meditate; spend my free time doing the responsible things that make it onto my weekly to-do lists. Those types of things. When The Guest comes home, I acquiesce to her (if she wants attention, which she doesn't always). This is a behavior I can change.

One of the other things that my Dear Friend From College and I agreed we wanted to let into our lives is self-compassion and forgiveness. Both of us are Virgo Rising - which is one of the most self-critical placements one can find in an astrology chart. We basically are never happy with ourselves and have to remind ourselves that not being perfect (established by very austere standards) is perfectly ok. So I will forgive myself for last night's transgression and treat it as a reminder that I am in a transitory period of my life, in which I am learning to take control and set boundaries and not lay blame for those events that don't unfold as I desire. "I am, after all, a feminist. I should act like it." (<---That quote is actually courtesy of The Republican.)

It's a slippery slope, this period of transition. I'm going to own my best qualities and cultivate them; and weed out my weakest. I think that's a fair assessment of (part of) what I am trying to do right now.

I suppose that I shouldn't only criticize myself for last night. I did do one thing that has been on my agenda for a loooooooong time. Ages ago (last year?) I decided I needed to stop sharing only specific truths about myself with targeted audiences. Specifically - I needed to stop being straight to my straight friends and bisexual to my gay friends. I came out to The Guest last night while we were gossiping and drinking wine in the Woman Room. It was a tremendous relief to know that I no longer need to balance between two worlds with her: I can have dinner parties with ALL my friends!!

Why Blog Now?

After a wild 2009 – a year in which I graduated law school, passed the bar, and married my long time partner, I find myself quickly approaching 30 in a completely changed circumstance. I’m no longer a student, and I am refusing to go back and work professionally in politics. That makes me an out-of-work attorney. My husband – at my own urging and insistence – took a job as campaign manager for Das Williams for State assembly – which leaves me here in Sacramento to look after our home and cat Honey Muffin. But I don’t have to get used to being alone. My friend from law school is studying for the February bar, and to avoid her hour-long commute from Alta Sierra, she’s moved a twin mattress into my office. So where as last year, I was frantically balancing the demands of work, law school, the bar, maintaining a healthy relationship, AND planning a wedding, I find myself at the precipice of a burgeoning legal career and new lifestyle. But right now, at this very moment in time – this time in between the preparation of the last decade (a career in politics, a highly specialized education) and the launching of my new career as an election law attorney (which will happen), I find myself in a lull. The economy is sour, job hunting is going slow, the few jobs that are available pay miserably, and I am determined to secure a job that will help me achieve my dream of being one of California’s most sought after political attorneys by 2015.

I recognize how fortunate I am, for many reasons: My husband makes enough money that I can be picky on the job hunt without devastating us financially. When I visit him on weekends, it’s in Santa Barbara, and we get to precinct walk together (which is how we fell in love. don’t judge.) and I can load up on carrots from the awesome farmers market. I have a beautiful home and backyard:

and an arsenal of Home Deport gift cards left over from the wedding to improve it. It’s a wonderful life, and I can’t think of a period of time after the age of 12 that I’ve felt less pressure. I am fortunate because at a time when so many families are losing so much (it’s still a 12% unemployment economy), Honey Muffin and I are truly ladies of leisure.

But at the same time – it’s a weird space to be in, and I am learning a lot. I am learning how to live alone again, which requires certain acts of self-sufficiency that I’ve long ago abandoned to Pat’s domain (i.e. taking out the trash in the yard. Yuck). I’ve got a pseudo-roommate, which means I am learning how to share my space again with someone who’s not Pat (The Cranberries on repeat at 7:30am - true story.) I’m still a newly-wed, so I am learning to navigate the large (and largely conservative) Mexican-American family of my husband’s without implicating any of my feminist principles. And, in just two short months, I’ll be turning 30. All of these changes have inspired me to write this blog. Because for the first time in my life, and perhaps at the most appropriate time to date, I have the down time and the space to learn about the one thing I’ve evaded by keeping busy for so long: myself.

Thirty seems like a big number. It seems like a turning point number. Like – a grown up number. I’m a home owner, an attorney, a wife. Throw “I’m 30” into the mix, and you can come to just one unavoidable conclusion: I’m a grown up. As a soon-to-be “grown up,” I have to wonder if I’ve grown into the woman and person I hoped I would one day be. Or if I am heading into a direction that will lead me to a life that I feel confident about when I reach the next milestone age.

I have journals dating back to 4^th grade. They’ve always helped me be introspective and self-critical of my motives which, in turn, propelled me to be more genuine in my life and actions. I’m not sure exactly that there is a ‘goal’ that I am trying to achieve with this blog, but that is one benefit of writing that encouraged me to start this project. So, here goes….